How do you stop the sadness?...

I can't let go of him.  He's in everything I see, and everything I do.  He's still a big part of my world, and I'm probably nothing to him other than his first love.  I wish it ended differently.  That he didn't give up on me and on us.  I miss him every single day.  Sometimes it hurts so much that it gets hard to think or function, and I break.  It's so overwhelming, and it takes up all my thought.  It's been over a month now, and I still cry every day over him.  I feel like I lost such a huge part of who I am when he walked away.  I just... I miss him.  I feel like I need him, but he doesn't need me.  I know I need to move on, but I just can't do it...

Loneliness

Have you ever felt so alone that you felt trapped inside yourself? That no matter what you do you're never going to be okay again? That you've messed up so badly that you've lost your happiness and your world? Going through a break up with the person you love is the second hardest thing you can ever go through. You lose your drive and your sense of happiness. You don't have that person to talk to about everything. You shatter into a million pieces and you don't know if you'll be okay. You want the pain to end. You want to do anything you can to make it stop. You know you need to let go but you can't because that person was the light in your darkness that is your life. You don't want to let that go because once you do you're all alone and it feels like no one cares what happens to you. You think about suicide because it seems like the way to make it stop. You don't want to be in pain and it's a release from that. You see every other couple around you and you cry because you long for the person you love and wish they hadn't left you. Going out in public is nearly impossible without looking like you're in a bad place. Every single person can tell that something is wrong but they don't dare be there for you. You fake being happy to please those who care. You don't want them worry.

I know this post was very dark, and emotionally unstable. I can't keep this inside any longer. I want to escape from the pain that is haunting me.

College Prep

WARNING THIS USES LANGUAGE NOT APPROPRIATE FOR ALL AGES

Hey everybody,

So I know hardly anyone will see this, but I need to get stuff out.  I'm in my last semester of high school, and getting ready to move to Austin once I graduate.  I honestly can't wait.  I hate living at home.  It used to be okay, but it's a nightmare to be home, and when I am I stay in my room. 

It has come to my attention that when you grow up you realize what kind of people are good people and what kind of people are in it for themselves.  My step mom is an asshole.  For the last two years she has been threatening me to move out, and I can tell she can't wait for the day I leave.  Last Christmas she yelled at me and my younger sister saying we ruined Christmas.  She says the way I live my life is disgusting, and I need to change if I ever want to succeed.  She talks to me with pure venom in her voice.  I hate talking to her because she usually ends yelling up at me.  I used to think she was nice person, and that she would be a good step mom, but she was never meant to be a parental figure, and I feel bad for my step sister even if she is living on her own.

Getting ready for college is nearly impossible.  According her I need to do everything on my own or I won't learn anything from it.  The bitch refuses to let my dad help me save before I move out.  She doesn't even want him to help me take out loans when I'll need it in the future.  She claims that because I'll be college, and their student loans that it's all up to student to pay for it.  Their not parent loans, but student loans.  Therefore in her fucked up logic I need to do it on my own.  She expects to me pay over $80,000 in two and a half years.  Oh and live on my own in an apartment paying for rent, food, and anything else I might need on top of that.  It's truly ruthless.

That's the hardest thing too.  I'll be living pretty much on my own in a completely different state.  I hardly anyone where I'm going, and I'll be alone.  I'll need a full time job just to keep up with tuition, and I won't get help from anyone.  I know I could do it, but it will be so hard emotionally on me.  It frightens me to think about what I'm doing.  How am I supposed to do this on my own? 

My Dad tries to convince me to stay.  I know tuition is cheaper here, and I won't have to pay rent, but I can't live under the same roof as my fucking step mom anymore.  I don't want to tell him that though.  He's happy with her, and even though I don't like her I won't have to deal with her for much longer.  I would love to take my Dad's offer and stay here, but I can't deal with the verbal abuse she causes me and my sister.  She talks badly about my sister behind her back, and I don't want to leave my sister, but I can't stay.  I know she'll be okay.  My sister is tough.  She can handle whatever our step mom gives her. 

I'm ready for a change in my life.  I want to start doing what I want for a career, and going to school and enjoying it.  Having a purpose in going to school.  I need to get away from I where live.  There are too many bad memories tied this city.  I want a clean slate.  I want to start building a life I'll actually enjoy, instead of dreading school and work every single day.  I know that won't just come from a new place, but I think it will help.

Until my next post, and I hope whoever is reading this doesn't mind the language too much.