Thursday, April 23, 2015
How do you stop the sadness?...
I can't let go of him. He's in everything I see, and everything I do. He's still a big part of my world, and I'm probably nothing to him other than his first love. I wish it ended differently. That he didn't give up on me and on us. I miss him every single day. Sometimes it hurts so much that it gets hard to think or function, and I break. It's so overwhelming, and it takes up all my thought. It's been over a month now, and I still cry every day over him. I feel like I lost such a huge part of who I am when he walked away. I just... I miss him. I feel like I need him, but he doesn't need me. I know I need to move on, but I just can't do it...
Monday, April 6, 2015
Loneliness
Have you ever felt so alone that you felt trapped inside yourself? That no matter what you do you're never going to be okay again? That you've messed up so badly that you've lost your happiness and your world? Going through a break up with the person you love is the second hardest thing you can ever go through. You lose your drive and your sense of happiness. You don't have that person to talk to about everything. You shatter into a million pieces and you don't know if you'll be okay. You want the pain to end. You want to do anything you can to make it stop. You know you need to let go but you can't because that person was the light in your darkness that is your life. You don't want to let that go because once you do you're all alone and it feels like no one cares what happens to you. You think about suicide because it seems like the way to make it stop. You don't want to be in pain and it's a release from that. You see every other couple around you and you cry because you long for the person you love and wish they hadn't left you. Going out in public is nearly impossible without looking like you're in a bad place. Every single person can tell that something is wrong but they don't dare be there for you. You fake being happy to please those who care. You don't want them worry.
I know this post was very dark, and emotionally unstable. I can't keep this inside any longer. I want to escape from the pain that is haunting me.
I know this post was very dark, and emotionally unstable. I can't keep this inside any longer. I want to escape from the pain that is haunting me.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
College Prep
WARNING THIS USES LANGUAGE NOT APPROPRIATE FOR ALL AGES
Hey everybody,
So I know hardly anyone will see this, but I need to get stuff out. I'm in my last semester of high school, and getting ready to move to Austin once I graduate. I honestly can't wait. I hate living at home. It used to be okay, but it's a nightmare to be home, and when I am I stay in my room.
It has come to my attention that when you grow up you realize what kind of people are good people and what kind of people are in it for themselves. My step mom is an asshole. For the last two years she has been threatening me to move out, and I can tell she can't wait for the day I leave. Last Christmas she yelled at me and my younger sister saying we ruined Christmas. She says the way I live my life is disgusting, and I need to change if I ever want to succeed. She talks to me with pure venom in her voice. I hate talking to her because she usually ends yelling up at me. I used to think she was nice person, and that she would be a good step mom, but she was never meant to be a parental figure, and I feel bad for my step sister even if she is living on her own.
Getting ready for college is nearly impossible. According her I need to do everything on my own or I won't learn anything from it. The bitch refuses to let my dad help me save before I move out. She doesn't even want him to help me take out loans when I'll need it in the future. She claims that because I'll be college, and their student loans that it's all up to student to pay for it. Their not parent loans, but student loans. Therefore in her fucked up logic I need to do it on my own. She expects to me pay over $80,000 in two and a half years. Oh and live on my own in an apartment paying for rent, food, and anything else I might need on top of that. It's truly ruthless.
That's the hardest thing too. I'll be living pretty much on my own in a completely different state. I hardly anyone where I'm going, and I'll be alone. I'll need a full time job just to keep up with tuition, and I won't get help from anyone. I know I could do it, but it will be so hard emotionally on me. It frightens me to think about what I'm doing. How am I supposed to do this on my own?
My Dad tries to convince me to stay. I know tuition is cheaper here, and I won't have to pay rent, but I can't live under the same roof as my fucking step mom anymore. I don't want to tell him that though. He's happy with her, and even though I don't like her I won't have to deal with her for much longer. I would love to take my Dad's offer and stay here, but I can't deal with the verbal abuse she causes me and my sister. She talks badly about my sister behind her back, and I don't want to leave my sister, but I can't stay. I know she'll be okay. My sister is tough. She can handle whatever our step mom gives her.
I'm ready for a change in my life. I want to start doing what I want for a career, and going to school and enjoying it. Having a purpose in going to school. I need to get away from I where live. There are too many bad memories tied this city. I want a clean slate. I want to start building a life I'll actually enjoy, instead of dreading school and work every single day. I know that won't just come from a new place, but I think it will help.
Until my next post, and I hope whoever is reading this doesn't mind the language too much.
Hey everybody,
So I know hardly anyone will see this, but I need to get stuff out. I'm in my last semester of high school, and getting ready to move to Austin once I graduate. I honestly can't wait. I hate living at home. It used to be okay, but it's a nightmare to be home, and when I am I stay in my room.
It has come to my attention that when you grow up you realize what kind of people are good people and what kind of people are in it for themselves. My step mom is an asshole. For the last two years she has been threatening me to move out, and I can tell she can't wait for the day I leave. Last Christmas she yelled at me and my younger sister saying we ruined Christmas. She says the way I live my life is disgusting, and I need to change if I ever want to succeed. She talks to me with pure venom in her voice. I hate talking to her because she usually ends yelling up at me. I used to think she was nice person, and that she would be a good step mom, but she was never meant to be a parental figure, and I feel bad for my step sister even if she is living on her own.
Getting ready for college is nearly impossible. According her I need to do everything on my own or I won't learn anything from it. The bitch refuses to let my dad help me save before I move out. She doesn't even want him to help me take out loans when I'll need it in the future. She claims that because I'll be college, and their student loans that it's all up to student to pay for it. Their not parent loans, but student loans. Therefore in her fucked up logic I need to do it on my own. She expects to me pay over $80,000 in two and a half years. Oh and live on my own in an apartment paying for rent, food, and anything else I might need on top of that. It's truly ruthless.
That's the hardest thing too. I'll be living pretty much on my own in a completely different state. I hardly anyone where I'm going, and I'll be alone. I'll need a full time job just to keep up with tuition, and I won't get help from anyone. I know I could do it, but it will be so hard emotionally on me. It frightens me to think about what I'm doing. How am I supposed to do this on my own?
My Dad tries to convince me to stay. I know tuition is cheaper here, and I won't have to pay rent, but I can't live under the same roof as my fucking step mom anymore. I don't want to tell him that though. He's happy with her, and even though I don't like her I won't have to deal with her for much longer. I would love to take my Dad's offer and stay here, but I can't deal with the verbal abuse she causes me and my sister. She talks badly about my sister behind her back, and I don't want to leave my sister, but I can't stay. I know she'll be okay. My sister is tough. She can handle whatever our step mom gives her.
I'm ready for a change in my life. I want to start doing what I want for a career, and going to school and enjoying it. Having a purpose in going to school. I need to get away from I where live. There are too many bad memories tied this city. I want a clean slate. I want to start building a life I'll actually enjoy, instead of dreading school and work every single day. I know that won't just come from a new place, but I think it will help.
Until my next post, and I hope whoever is reading this doesn't mind the language too much.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Senior Year of High School
So, I'm two weeks into my last year of high school. So far it's been pretty great.
The week before school started I met up with my friends Denny, Caleb, Jonny, Alex, Logan, Andrew, Nik, and Nathan and we all played dungeons and dragons for six days for about 6 hours every day. It was ton of fun and I can't wait to continue playing our campaign.
By the end of that week of dungeons and dragons I ended up in a relationship with Caleb. He's a pretty cool guy and I'm really enjoying being with him. He's really kind and sweet, and just really fun to talk to and hang out with. We saw "Guardians of the Galaxy" together and it was awesome!
Last Saturday I went to Salt Lake Comic Con and it was such a blast! I got to see so many cool people like Vic Mignogna, Jonny Young Bosch, Veronica Taylor, Simon Helberg, Jon Heder, Cary Elwes, Patrick Walburton, Grant Imahara, Gigi Edgley, Eugene Clark, and Ben Hanson. It was so cool to see all those people and talk to some of them as well! It was also really cool to walk around the convention center to see all the booths. I even got to see two panels, one on voice acting, and one about Brandon Sanderson. It was really cool to see the panels! I got to go with Caleb and it was really enjoyable spending the day with him.
I am also really enjoying all of my classes. My professors are all really cool and I have friends in all my classes. I think this year will definitely be an awesome year!
The week before school started I met up with my friends Denny, Caleb, Jonny, Alex, Logan, Andrew, Nik, and Nathan and we all played dungeons and dragons for six days for about 6 hours every day. It was ton of fun and I can't wait to continue playing our campaign.
By the end of that week of dungeons and dragons I ended up in a relationship with Caleb. He's a pretty cool guy and I'm really enjoying being with him. He's really kind and sweet, and just really fun to talk to and hang out with. We saw "Guardians of the Galaxy" together and it was awesome!
Last Saturday I went to Salt Lake Comic Con and it was such a blast! I got to see so many cool people like Vic Mignogna, Jonny Young Bosch, Veronica Taylor, Simon Helberg, Jon Heder, Cary Elwes, Patrick Walburton, Grant Imahara, Gigi Edgley, Eugene Clark, and Ben Hanson. It was so cool to see all those people and talk to some of them as well! It was also really cool to walk around the convention center to see all the booths. I even got to see two panels, one on voice acting, and one about Brandon Sanderson. It was really cool to see the panels! I got to go with Caleb and it was really enjoyable spending the day with him.
I am also really enjoying all of my classes. My professors are all really cool and I have friends in all my classes. I think this year will definitely be an awesome year!
Monday, March 24, 2014
Monday, February 10, 2014
It's been too long...
Well, a lot has happened since I last posted about a year and a half ago. Wow, that really is a long time. I have definitely changed a lot, and I can't believe all the amazing people I have gotten to know. There are definitely some who stand out more than others, and I'm so glad that I have the friends that I do. Although I still feel like I don't fit in, I know that they still care about me. I don't think I could call any of them my best friend, but I they are all amazing in their own ways.
So, lets start with school. I am currently a junior at UCAS, and I still absolutely love it there. Every teacher is so inspiring and they all are so great and wonderful. It's such a treat to have these amazing teachers show me the way. All of them are great, and I really appreciate every single thing that they do. The other students are pretty great too. My friends Laura, Lauren, Cassidee, and Chad. I can talk to them about anything and I know they will listen. They make me laugh everyday and I could never thank them enough for that. I am currently wishing to pursue film directing as my major and life goal. Someday I want to be one of the greats, and right now the path seems that I should go UT. I am super excited and can't wait to see what life has in store for me!
Alright, next up is my job. It's so weird to think that I have a job. I mean just a few years ago I was just another kid on a soccer team, but now I am part of a team, and I like working with the people beside me. Although I didn't think I would ever work at McDonald's, here I am. I have met a lot of great people there, including my boyfriend Ethan. I have so many amazing friends from that job and I honestly look forward to going to work.
As stated above I have a boyfriend. Ethan Smith. I met him when I was just in seventh grade. We never really talked back then, but he seemed like a nice guy. I was never really interested in the nerdy type then, I was always crushing on the guys in theatre, so he kind of went unnoticed. But one day I walked into work and there he stood. Much different than I remembered, but in a good way. Over the past couple of years I have begun to play more games and even Dungeons and Dragons, quite possibly one of the nerdiest of them all. But when I walked into work that day I had a feeling of shock. I didn't expect to see him there, I hadn't seen him for two years and all of sudden there he was. I remember him being a nice kid so we began talking, and flirting, and somehow we ended up on a date. And now almost 3 months later, we are still together and everything is amazing. He is so great and I can't go a day without thinking about him. He makes me so happy, and I really have come to appreciate everything so much more since we've been together. Just him texting me "good morning" can make me grin wider than you would have thought possible. He's the best.
I love how life is going right now, and I couldn't be happier. Everyone around me is so inspiring. Every new day is a new adventure, and I am seeking out the treasure of life.
So, lets start with school. I am currently a junior at UCAS, and I still absolutely love it there. Every teacher is so inspiring and they all are so great and wonderful. It's such a treat to have these amazing teachers show me the way. All of them are great, and I really appreciate every single thing that they do. The other students are pretty great too. My friends Laura, Lauren, Cassidee, and Chad. I can talk to them about anything and I know they will listen. They make me laugh everyday and I could never thank them enough for that. I am currently wishing to pursue film directing as my major and life goal. Someday I want to be one of the greats, and right now the path seems that I should go UT. I am super excited and can't wait to see what life has in store for me!
Alright, next up is my job. It's so weird to think that I have a job. I mean just a few years ago I was just another kid on a soccer team, but now I am part of a team, and I like working with the people beside me. Although I didn't think I would ever work at McDonald's, here I am. I have met a lot of great people there, including my boyfriend Ethan. I have so many amazing friends from that job and I honestly look forward to going to work.
As stated above I have a boyfriend. Ethan Smith. I met him when I was just in seventh grade. We never really talked back then, but he seemed like a nice guy. I was never really interested in the nerdy type then, I was always crushing on the guys in theatre, so he kind of went unnoticed. But one day I walked into work and there he stood. Much different than I remembered, but in a good way. Over the past couple of years I have begun to play more games and even Dungeons and Dragons, quite possibly one of the nerdiest of them all. But when I walked into work that day I had a feeling of shock. I didn't expect to see him there, I hadn't seen him for two years and all of sudden there he was. I remember him being a nice kid so we began talking, and flirting, and somehow we ended up on a date. And now almost 3 months later, we are still together and everything is amazing. He is so great and I can't go a day without thinking about him. He makes me so happy, and I really have come to appreciate everything so much more since we've been together. Just him texting me "good morning" can make me grin wider than you would have thought possible. He's the best.
I love how life is going right now, and I couldn't be happier. Everyone around me is so inspiring. Every new day is a new adventure, and I am seeking out the treasure of life.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
My Poems
Birthday
Party
Looking away
from huddled,
Quiet talking
adults,
Sipping their
drinks,
Trying not to
spill on their suits and dresses,
To
a little girl in a frilly orange dress,
Gripping
a long wooden stick,
She’s
grinning wildly while being blindfolded.
House on a Hill
An unknown force
drawing me to the menacing house,
The clouds darkening
and swirling,
A man in the window
beckoning me forth,
The crackling thunder
and a light drizzling of rain,
A creaking of the wooden
floor boards beneath me,
The doorbell’s chiming
is like a distant scream,
The lightning blinding
me as I hear the door inching open.
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